…I don’t even know where to start with this, but I thought I would just write a little blog post type thing to maybe try and just clear my head a little. I have so much going on right now that its hard to keep my own thoughts straight. On Monday i’m having a surgery that will take away any chance of me being able to have a child that is of my own genetics. I’m still coming to terms with that, and don’t think that I will ever come to terms with it. I know it will be hard to accept for a while, and I think it will hit me a little harder after my surgery. However, I do realize that without this surgery I will be basically sick for the rest of my life and I DO NOT want to bring a child into this world that I can not care for because I am sick all the time. My heart breaks a little more every time I think about it but at the same time I have an amazing support system. I have my boyfriend (3 years today!), my Mother and a slew of friends who I know no matter what will always have my back. Sometimes when i’m sitting just thinking, I cry. I’m thankful for all the love I get, for all the support I get, but I cry for the one thing that I have wanted all my life.
If you know me at all, you will know that being a Mom was the only thing in life I ever wanted (heck i’ve had my little girls name picked out since I was 15). Maybe I waited too late to try, maybe this is God’s way of telling me that there are better things out there waiting for me. I have a lot of options that I can choose from, and a lot of paths I can take to become a mother (all of which in some way shapr or form involve a LOT of money - which I don’t have). I know that in five years I do want to have a little one, one that will look at me and say ‘MAMA’. A little one that I can pass on all the wonderful love and advice that my mother gave to me, and to be even half the mother she was would be an accomplishment to me.
Writing this out, seeing it in words, it makes it real and in turn I hope it helps me deal with it a little better.
aww my first CD was a BSB CD. That was 15 years ago. It’s amazing to think how far I’ve come on this musical journey of mine. I still have much love and respect for these five.
First love and still going strong after 17 years.